I Am Lord Voldemort: A Dark Lord's Life
by Juliet Deveraux
Summary: Delve deep into the psyche of the mentally unstable but often misunderstood villain. Cower uncontrollably at his secret thoughts and hidden feelings, and worst of all... his crippling caffeine addiction. ReadReview!
1. Fear me

**Disclaimer** - Woe is me, I am not the brilliant mind from whence emerged the Harry Potter universe. I am merely a simple fanfic writer whose butler recently returned with her muse, and has decided to use this to her advantage. Please note, the author is far too lazy to continue writing disclaimers, so this goes for all the chapters.

**Author's Note** – Enjoy the products of my - I mean, Voldemort's - insanity. Please review, because if not, Voldemort might become bored and resort to the torture of some cute, fluffy animals. Think of the poor little animals.

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**CHAPTER ONE: Fear Me**

Sigh.

I hate life. If that's what you'd call it, that is. It's a bit hard to call it that when you have no body.

Oh yes, secretly I'm a funny guy. On the outside I may look like an evil overlord trying to take over the wizarding world, but trust me, the inside holds so much more. Allow me to elaborate...

I've been hiding in this stupid turbin all year, and it smells. Bad. Yesterday Quirell took me into the forest to drink unicorn blood, which can sustain my caffeine levels but not give me a body of my own. Quirell is such an idiot. I'll be disposing of him as soon as I get that magical stone that gives you all the coffee you could ever dream of. Understanding me so far? Okay, I better explain my life a bit more.

My name is Lord Voldemort. I was once called Tom Marvolo Riddle. My pathetic mother dared to besmirch my identity with the last name of my stupid muggle father, who left when I was a baby, the stupid deadbeat. I am also known as He-who-must-not-be-named, You-know-Who, Master, The Dark Lord, He-who-must-not-be-given-coffee-or-he-will-rise-again, He-with-a-massive-caffeine addiction and so on. Those may be some of my many names but no-one really knows the real me. I may be evil, but deep down I'm… well, still evil, but not as evil as you think.

I never wanted to try to kill the kid. Take that back, actually, I torture and maim people regardless of their ages. Everyone seems to think I discriminate by age brackets, but I assure you I hate all impure blooded people... but that being said, my preferred targets are those old enough to understand their situation, so I can relish in the look of terror in their eyes before they go blank. He was just a baby when he became an obstacle in my path. However somehow his filthy mudblood mother's sacrifice allowed him to survive.

But look where it got him. He's here in the chamber of the Mirror of Erised, about to see my rise to greatness and endless supplies of coffee.

And now the Quirell idiot is asking me questions. "Yes master, I know! But the mirror isn't working properly. Yes, I know you need it." he replied, seemingly conversing with himself. "Are you sure it can cure your caffeine addiction? The Unicorn blood didn't work, and look what it ended up doing."

Thank goodness the idiot finally noticed Potter, who has been standing here looking shocked for all of about ten minutes. Okay, maybe two; I'm prone to exaggeration. "That is So Fetch!" Quirell said. Oh. God. He is so stupid! Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact I have no body I would ditch him in a second.

Anyway, I don't think killing Harry would be that bad. In fact it's the humane option, when you think about it. His relatives are already doing a pretty good job of crushing his spirit. Oh yes, the Dursleys seemed to be normal people; they went to work, spied on the neighbours like normal people. But unbwknownst to the rest of the imbecilic muggles, part of their daily life was torturing their ugly nephew Harry, who just happens to be the most famous almost-teenager in the wizarding world. Yes, he's a wizard. Get over it.

They even told him his parents were killed in a coughcough "car crash", how truly offensive! Give me a little more credit than that! But he knows the truth now. But I don't get it; if he knows, why doesn't he fear me? FEAR MEEE!!!!!! Ahem, sorry. I know what you all think; you all think I'm crazy. You may be right, nut play along nonetheless. Anyway, this is the beginning of my story. Well not the very beginning, but here is where we'll start.

Why? Because I said so. Fear Me.


	2. Quirell has a brain?

**CHAPTER TWO - Quirrel Has a Brain?**

Hey, it's me, Voldemort! I'm back! I decided to use my break to go out for coffee. Where were we? Ah, yes. Fear Me. Harry's standing behind Quirell. You should see the look on the kid's face, it's priceless.

"_You!"_ gasped Harry.

"Me," says Quirell calmly. "I wondered whether I'd be meeting you here Potter." Oh, so _now_ he pretends to have a brain. He doesn't. I would know, on account of being attatched to his head.

"But I thought- Snape- " stutters Harry. Honestly, he can get to the chamber past all the obstacles, _an_d he defeated me, the all-powerful, when he was just a baby, but he's blind enough to think that the person standing in front of him is Severus Snape? He REALLY needs to get those glasses checked.

"Severus?" I hear Quirell laugh. He shouldn't be laughing, after all, he got himself caught by Severus. Quirell is explaining to Harry that it was in fact he who tried to kill him, not Snape, and that it was Snape who saved him. That doesn't matter now, though. His parents (a.k.a. the fools) died for him, and now he's going to die anyway. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

At least Quirell can do one thing right, he bound Potter with ropes. Potter will never get out alive now. I can't believe he didn't know that it was Quirell who let the troll in. Quirell was loud enough while doing it, I thought he may as well have sent up rainbow-coloured sparks saying 'It was Me'. He's telling Potter to be quiet while he examines the mirror. I wish he'd hurry up, I'm having caffeine urges again. Everyone thinks I'm so evil, but in truth, these cravings would be enough to send any sane man into a genocidal megalomaniac. Honest.

Harry just blurted out, "I saw you and Snape in the forest."

Quirell is obviously too stupid to tell that the boy's trying to distract him. Potter is rather resourceful… a prized quality, even by my incredibly stringent standards. This could be useful to me... instead of killing him I'll try and get him on my side! I can play on his insecurities, use him to help take over the wizarding world, _then_ kill him. Perfect. But would you expect a thought any less brilliant to come from a much-celebrated genius?

"I see the stone," jabbers Quirell.

Yes! Get it! Give it to me! I need that caffeine!

"I'm presenting it to my master...but where is it?" Damn! False alarm. Back to square one yet again, thanks to my servant's sheer incompetence. Idiot. Potter is trying to distract Quirell again. Ignore the kid, get the stone!

"There is no Good and Evil, only power and those too weak to seek it." I think that's the most intelligent thing he's ever said, not that it's got much to compare with. Just so you know, he did steal that line from me. Potter's trying to get in front of the mirror without Quirell noticing. Which is not too hard, he's oblivious to pretty much everything.

"What does this mirror do? How does it work? Master help me!"

Sigh. I have to do _everything._ "Use the boy...use the boy." I reply.

Quirell took the ropes off him. Harry is walking towards the mirror. I see the reflection, it's pulling the Stone from its pocket. He has the Stone!

Quirell just asked what he sees. "I see myself, I'm shaking hands with Dumbledore… I've won the House cup." Brat! He's lying through his teeth!

"He lies...He lies." I tell Quirell. Quirell is asking him what he actually saw. Oh my goodness, I have to do _everything _around here. "Let me speak to him... face to face..." I say.

"Master you are not strong enough." says the incapable idiot. I'm a damn sight stronger than he is, even when I am reduced to perpetual soul-mist.

"I have strength enough... for this." I reply. Quirell is beginning to unravel the stupid looking turban. Finally, some fresh air! It smelled like garlic in there. "Harry Potter..." I whisper feebly. He's looking at me like I'm some kind of freak, how dare he! Wait... never mind. "See what I have become?...Mere shadow and vapour...I have form only when I can share another's body... but there have always been those willing to let me into their hearts and minds...unicorn blood can give me the caffeine I require but it cannot give me a body of my own... once I have the Elixer of Caffeine I will be able to have all the caffeine I want, and rise to my former power. Now...Won't you give me that Stone in your pocket?"

He stumbles backwards. Wow. My greatness makes people fall over. That's a good thing, right? No! He's about to make a run for it! "Don't be a fool." I snarl. "Better save your own life and join me... or you'll meet the same end as your parents...they died begging for mercy."

Harry suddenly shouts out, "LIAR!"

How dare he! Calling me a liar! I didn't lie; the Dark Lord _never_ lies. I embellished on the truth a little. Okay, maybe a lot. I'm a Dark Lord, what do you expect? Quirell is walking backwards, towards Harry, so I'm facing the brat. If Quirell falls over, I am sooo screwed.

I smile. "How touching.." I hiss. "I always valued bravery...Yes, boy, your parents were brave ... I killed your father first and he put up courageous fight... but your mother needn't have died... She was trying to protect you... Now give me the stone, unless you want her to have died in vain." I say.

"Never!" shouted Harry. He sprang towards the flame door. Why can't he bloody well stay still! His death would have been quick and painless...well, relatively, but nooooooo! He has to run! Can't he see that I'm offering the most painless option here?

"SEIZE HIM!" I scream. Quirell's hand closes on his wrist, Harry yells. Quirell lets go and hunches back in pain. "Seize him! SEIZE HIM!" I shriek again. Really! What part of 'seize' doesn't he understand? He could be more stupid than I thought, if that's possible.

Quirell is howling with pain. Really! What is wrong with him? Did he break a nail?

"Master I cannot hold him -my hands- my hands!-" he screams. So he did break a nail.

"Then kill him, fool, and be done with!" I screech with my high-pitched girly voice. God I hate my voice. It sounds like I'm on helium or something. Harry grabbed Quirell's face and now he's screaming. Loser.

"KILL HIM, KILL HIM!" I screech, to which Quirell is unresponsive. Nope, I've lost him. Oh well, time to go. Bye Harry! Bye Loser! See you guys later!

The last thing I see before I fly away into the night is Harry falling over. I told you my greatness makes people fall over. You may be safe for now, Potter, but I'll get you, my pretty, and your little owl too! Sorry, couldn't resist...villain humour. Until next time. Fear Me.


End file.
